Irreverent Shorts
by silveraure
Summary: Most of these are short, hopefully funny, and mostly irreverent vignettes of life for Bella, the Cullens, and Jacob's wolf pack. Mostly canon pairings - Bella human, all Cullens vampires, Jacob and co werewolves. Action is contemporary with first 3 books
1. Valentines for Vampires

**AN: I do not own Twilight or any of these characters. If SMeyer were dead, over in her grave would she roll.**

"Oh Carlisle, I don't know what to say...what a thoughtful gift!" Esme was in raptures, her golden eyes glittering with excitement as she gazed at the book in her hands. She pulled Carlisle to her for a kiss.

Carlisle's latest book, _Born to Bleed: Hemophilia and other Rare Blood Disorders, _had just come in from the publisher and Carlisle had revealed his Valentine's Day surprise for his wife on the dedication page: "To my beloved soulmate Esme, whom I will cherish for all of my days."

"Sweet...but a little morbid, Carlisle..." Rosalie said with a laugh.

Bella and the Cullen's were seated around the Cullen's spacious living room, recently redecorated by Esme's amazing talent for design. All of the couples were seated together: Emmett and Rosalie were lounging on the loveseat -- hands all over each other as usual -- Edward and Bella were sitting opposite them on the couch, Alice was perched daintily on the arm of the couch with Jasper standing warily behind her, and Carlisle and Esme were standing in the doorway with their arms around each other, satisfied smiles plastered on their faces.

"Morbid?" Alice repeated, wrinkling her brow at Rosalie's comment. "I don't see what's so morbid - it's a very lovely inscription."

"Yo, she doesn't mean the inscription, Alice," Emmett said with a roll of his eyes. "She means it's kind of messed up that a _vampire_ would become a hematologist."

"I don't know how you do it, Carlisle," Jasper said with a shake of his head. "You must be a masochist to spend so much time around blood." He looked over nervously at Edward and Bella, who blushed. Edward tightened his hold on Bella but gave Jasper a grim smile.

"Well I think it's a very noble pursuit, Carlisle," Edward reassured him. "No one but a vampire could study blood with such reverence and attention to detail." Even though his words were not directed at Bella, she shifted uncomfortably.

"What did everyone else get for Valentine's Day?" Bella asked, who, as the only person in the room with a pulse, was obviously hoping to steer the subject away from blood. She looked expectantly at Alice.

Alice sighed dreamily and gazed at Jasper. "Jasper's trying to surprise me with something, so he's avoided making any concrete plans in case I saw a vision of it in the future - isn't that so _romantic_?"

Jasper smiled, but cleared his throat uncomfortably. Edward had to fight to keep from laughing out loud as he heard Jasper's thoughts racing: _Damn! I completely forget about this stupid human holiday - what the hell am I supposed to do now?_ _It's not like you can just take a vampire out for dinner and a movie..._

"And what did you get for Jasper, Alice?" Edward asked for the benefit of those in the room who could not read minds.

"Well," she said, wringing her hands in anticipation at telling him. "Jasper's been trying to get in touch with his Southern heritage, so...." She presented him with a small box topped with a bow.

Jasper smiled at her and kissed her on the cheek before greedily tearing open the box. A set of keys tumbled out into his palm. "What's this?" he asked.

A grin broke out over Alice's face and Edward started laughing in earnest now. "I bought us some ATV's. I heard those were popular where you from...."

"Alice, he's Rhett Butler-Southern, not Nascar-Southern!" Edward said in between bouts of laughter.

"That's so...um...," Bella trailed off with a grin.

"...AWESOME!" Emmett shouted, leaping out of his seat and accidentally smacking Rosalie in the face with his elbow. "DUDE TAKE ME TAKE ME!" He yelled. Rosalie, pissed at being knocked in the face, slapped him so hard on the ass that he fell over and skidded on his face on Esme's new berber carpet.

Jasper's face lit up like a little kid's on Christmas and he picked up Alice in a big hug. "Thanks, sweetheart, this is the best present!" Alice smiled. Of course, she had already known he would love it since she'd seen it in a vision.

Emmett, sat up, spitting carpet fibers out of his teeth. "Well, fine, Rosalie, if that's how you feel I'll just take back your present."

Rosalie looked stunned, mouth open. "You...you actually got me a present?" she asked, incredulous. She smiled cautiously.

"Hells yes I did. What kind of an ass do you think I am, not getting my girl a present on Valentine's Day?" Emmett said. If vampires could blush, Jasper would be beet-red by now.

Esme shot Emmett a look and chided, "Emmett, language, please!"

Ignoring her, he pulled a box out from under the coffee table. Rosalie took it and very carefully pulled on the ribbon and unfolded the paper.

Emmett rolled his eyes, "Babe, you're taking too long." He yanked back the box and within seconds had shredded the wrapping.

"Well, I can see you didn't get me _stami_- I mean _patience_ for Valentine's day," Rosalie said drily.

"Open it," he pleaded, anxious to see her reaction.

Reading Emmett's mind, Edward started, surprised. "Why, Emmett...that's actually very...sweet."

Rosalie gingerly took out a small glass box with a ballerina figurine on it. She looked at it curiously, then at Emmett. "Go ahead, open it," he said with a shy smile.

She opened the delicate glass box and immediately a pretty little melody began playing. Her mouth opened with surprise as she took out a pair of opal earrings.

"They were your grandmother's," he explained. "Carlisle helped me find them at your old house in Rochester."

"Awww!" All of the women in the room said in chorus. Carlisle smiled.

"Dude, gayest present ever," Jasper said, earning an elbow in the ribs from Alice. "What?" he asked in confusion. She glared at him. _Oh crap_, he thought with panic, _she knows I forgot._

Rosalie showed her appreciation by planting a full-on kiss on Emmett's lips. "_You'll_ get your present later," she cooed. Edward shuddered as he suddenly got visions of Rosalie in a nurse's outfit borrowed from Carlisle's hospital.

Still smiling, Emmett turned to Edward and Bella. "Hey, I got you guys a present, too."

Alice looked confused, "I didn't see any vision of you getting them a present."

Suspicious, Edward tried to read Emmett's thought. He could only hear Emmett repeating over and over: _box, box, box, box_... which he must have been doing in an effort to keep Edward from seeing the surprise. "You're only supposed to get Rosalie, a present, Emmett. I already got Bella a present," he said, looking at her with adoration. Bella smiled and touched the beautiful sapphire necklace she was wearing, given to her earlier in the day by Edward.

"I asked Jacob to pick it up for me a while back so you wouldn't be able to see it, Alice. Though he was sort of pissed when I told him what it was for..." Emmett explained. He handed them another wrapped box with a very sneaky look on his face. _Box, box, box, box, box_, he continued to think.

Edward frowned, but took the box from Emmett and handed it to Bella so she could open it. "Thank you, I guess..." he said.

As Bella started to open the present, Alice got a cloudy look on her face that meant she was getting a vision. Snapping out of it she groaned, "Oh Emmett...no....NO!"

Emmett started to giggle uncontrollably. Bella opened the lid of the box and looked at the contents with confusion.

"Since you two are bound to get serious pretty soon, I thought maybe you could start off with some, uh, practice," Emmett said, now guffawing without restraint.

Bella pulled the first item out of the box and eyed it, "Emmett, what is this?" She peered at it more closely. "Is this....is this....a _hot pocket_?"

He nodded. "There's more," he whispered before putting his fist in his mouth to keep from laughing. _Hot pocket, hot pocket, hot pocket_, he thought.

Bella's face twisted in confusion again as she pulled the second item out. Alice was covering her face and groaning. Jasper's mood had caught on to Emmett's hilarity and he started to chuckle as well.

"What is it?" Esme asked with curiosity. Rosalie gasped when she caught sight of what was in Bella's hands.

"It's a...it's....a glitter....popsicle?" Bella stammered out, staring at the long plastic tube in her hands, filled with ice and covered with glitter. "What is it for?"

"Oh my God..." Rosalie said. "Is that a dil..."

"EMMETT I WILL F***ING KILL YOU!" Edward interrupted with a roar as he suddenly understand what the gifts were meant to signify.

Emmett, laughing hysterically, yelled, "You'll thank me later, man!" and ran out of the room. Edward followed in hot pursuit. He was so pissed Bella half-expected him to rip open his t-shirt a la "The Hulk" and turn green.

Carlisle and Rosalie stared after them with horror. Esme was so shocked she would have fainted if she could, her lips had frozen on the words: "Edward, language, please!" Jasper suddenly got very uncomfortable from all the negativity in the room combined with his spasms of giggling. Bella looked like she was about to cry.

"I knew his being sweet was too good to be true," Rosalie hissed, and Alice got a vision of Emmett spending the night outside in the garage. From the other room the sound of furniture breaking was punctuated by Emmett's maniacal laughter.

"Um, Bella?" Carlisle said gently. "I'm not so sure you should give Edward your gift to him quite yet."

Bella nodded, her cheeks still blazing from embarrassment, and slid the box containing a pint of her own blood under the couch.

THE END.


	2. Boozed up Bella

**AN: Twilight is copyrighted. I don't own these characters. Plus, SMeyer would really disapprove of this...**

Edward looked over at Bella with a troubled expression brewing in his incredibly magical liquid topaz eyes. "Bella?" he asked.

"Hmmm...?" she replied without looking up from her physics homework. They were sitting at the kitchen table in Charlie's kitchen, working on school work. Bella absently twirled a lock of her hair in her fingers. Edward was staring at her without blinking, which, truth-be-told, was a little creepy.

"Don't you ever worry that you'll...miss out on something?" he asked carefully.

He didn't need to elaborate - Bella already knew what he wanted to know: was she worried about missing out on any human experiences that she could no longer have once she was turned into a vampire?

Sighing, Bella put down her pen and rubbed her temple. "Edward, come on, let's not debate this right now. I want to be like _you_ and that's my final answer." She picked up her pen again.

"I know you think that right now but...there are a few things you'd miss out on if you were a vampire, you know."

"What, like disease? Wrinkles? Bad hair days?" Bella said with a roll of her eyes. She shook her head and scratched out what she had just written in frustration. A thought crossed her mind and she added wryly, "Edible panties?"

"Bella, hear me out," Edward said, pointedly ignoring her last comment. He reached over and plucked her pen out of hand, forcing her to focus on him for a minute. Looking down at her paper, which was covered in hopeless scribbles, he smiled and offered, "You know you can just copy mine. I had this textbook at my last high school."

"Why Edward, I'm shocked! Suddenly Mr. Moral Superiority is encouraging me to _cheat?_" Bella's eyes went wide with horror. "Besides the absolute moral repugnance of what you're suggesting, I'd like to make sure I understand this stuff. Especially if I'm going to be going to college in the fall...." She smiled, knowing that he wouldn't argue with _that_.

"Ok, ok...." he said, backing down. She snatched her pen back and resumed writing.

"It's just..." he started again, his brow furrowed in thought. He was so damn cute when he was trying to be politic.

She groaned, "What IS it, Edward?"

He decided to just come out and say it: "Bella, have you ever been _drunk?_" He drew back and waited to see her reaction.

She dropped her pen in surprise. "_Drunk_? Well...I...no. Renee lets me have a glass of sherry at Christmas, but..but..." She started blinking rapidly in confusion or embarrassment or both. Seeking to deflect some of the pressure, she turned the conversation back to him. "Why, have you?"

"Once," he admitted. "I was still pretty young and inexperienced before I got sick, and my memory of it is still pretty hazy, but... I do remember sneaking into my dad's liquor cabinet with a friend before."

"Was it fun?" she asked conspiratorially - looking over her shoulder to see if Charlie in the other room had heard any of this.

"He's not listening to us," Edward assured her. "As for was it _fun_, I remember vaguely that it was," Edward said with a laugh. "Most humans think it's a pleasurable experience. Charlie, for instance."

Edward nodded toward the living room. Charlie was just staring vacantly at the TV, a beer in one hand and sandwich in the other.

Following his gaze, Bella frowned and asked, "What brings this up?"

"I just thought it might be something you'd like to experience before...before the Change," he said, reluctant to even admit that such a change would be in Bella's future.

"Charlie would kill me," Bella whispered fiercely. "He would totally flip his lid if I came home drunk."

"Well you'll have to stay overnight somewhere then," Edward said. "You could come over to our house. Say you're staying over with Alice. Esme will vouch for you."

Bella retorted, "Yeah, that sounds like fun. I'll get drunk by myself and all of your family can laugh at me. Maybe Emmett could take some pictures of me dancing with a lampshade on my head."

"Well how else would you like to do it?" he asked, seizing her fingers and kissing them playfully.

"It's just...isn't that something people usually do with friends?" Bella asked. "I mean, I don't want to be the only one drinking. I'd feel stupid."

Edward frowned, "Well I could drink with you, Bella, but the alcohol would have no effect on me."

Bella thought about inviting Angela and Ben, but decided that would be an awkward question to broach. The only other non-vampires she was friends with was... "What about Jacob?" she suggested. "Werewolves can get drunk, can't they?"

Edward's nose wrinkled as if he could already smell the aroma of wet dog. "I guess so..." To put it mildly, he seemed reluctant.

Bella started warming to this idea, and continued to rationalize: "Besides, teens can't get in trouble for drinking on the reservation - they don't have to follow state laws. Jacob could get us alcohol there."

"I'm not a teenager. I could get it for you," Edward grumbled.

"You may not _be_ a teenager but everyone in Forks _thinks_ you are," she reminded him.

Edward said something unintelligible, and Bella pretended not to hear him. She continued, "So do you want me to try this or not?"

"Yes," he said sullenly, his lip pouting in a way that Bella found irresistible. She bent over to give him a quick kiss, the sudden contact making him shudder. Of course he couldn't refuse her - werewolf or not.

"I'll call him right now," she said, pulling out her cellphone. She dialed his number and waited while it rang.

"You have _it _on speed dial?" Edward asked in disgust.

Bella shushed him as Jacob picked up on the other end. "Hey Bella!" Jacob's voice rang out. "What's up?"

"Hey Jacob! Edward and I were just sitting here and we were wondering..."

Jacob groaned at the mention of Edward, "_Lurch_ hasn't gone home yet? Doesn't he ever leave you alone?"

Edward glared at the phone. Bella rolled her eyes and ignored him, "So listen Jacob, I have kind of a weird question to ask."

"Shoot."

"Do you think you could get us some alcohol?" Bella asked, wincing in anticipation of his reaction.

"Are you _shitting_ me?" Jacob exclaimed in amazement. "Bella Swan wants to get _drunk_??"

"Sshh! Calm down!" Bella said, blushing. "Actually I was hoping that _we _could get drunk."

"Wow, Bella, just - no words. What brought this on?"

"Edward thought I'd enjoy it. He knows I've never done it before and that soon I won't..." she stopped talking, knowing that Jacob was sensitive about the subject of her becoming a vampire.

Sure enough, she could hear Jacob let out a soft growl on the other end. "_He's_ not coming, is he?"

"Of course he's coming! It was his idea in the first place. I figured we could do it at the Cullen's."

"Yeah, I don't know about that, Bella..." Jacob said warily. "The Cullen's really don't like me and I'm not sure they'd be cool with me puking on their carpet if things get too crazy."

Bella rolled her eyes, "Oh come on, where else are we going to do it? Charlie would kill me if we did it here."

"Why not come over to the rez? Billy won't be a problem - and he won't tell Charlie, I swear."

Edward was shaking his head furiously and Bella half-turned away from him as if to speak to Jacob privately. "Jake, you know Edward can't come to the rez."

"That's my final offer, Bella. You can call me back if you two need to talk about it or whatever, but I don't think it's a good idea for me to go to the Cullen's and we can't do it at Charlie's, so...." he trailed off. Sensing her indecision he added, "Look, tell him you won't be alone - I'll invite over Sam and Emily and some of the others and we'll make a party of it. Just let me know - I'll talk to you later."

He hung up and Bella turned to Edward, whose eyes had turned dark with anger.

"This was your idea," she said quietly. He stared at her harder and she shifted uncomfortably. "Edward, I don't have to go if you don't want me to."

He thought for a moment longer before sighing. "You're right, this was my idea." He leaned down to kiss her on the forehead and smooth down her hair. "I want you to have a good time. I'll call Jacob and set it up."

"Great!" she beamed. "So...after I try this out can we try out the edible panties?"

"I'm not even going to dignify that with a response."

"You just did."

* * * * *

So as it was a few nights later that Edward pulled up in his silver Volvo and Alice bounced out and up the front walk to ring the doorbell. After exchanging pleasantries with Charlie and assuring him that she and Bella were bound for no other misadventure than staying up late and eating take-out Chinese, Alice led Bella back to the Volvo. Alice held the front door open for her and she slid in next to Edward, who gave her a grin.

"Well, well, my little innocent girl's about to get all grown up," he said teasingly, planting a kiss on the tip of her nose. He surveyed her: she was dressed sufficiently modestly in a blue knit sweater and jeans. Her hair was a bit too provocative, though, flowing over her shoulders in captivating waves, but overall the effect was appropriate.

Bella smirked at him and buckled her seatbelt. He handed her something in a travel mug.

"What is this?" she asked, taking the mug from him and sniffing at the lid. "Smells fruity."

It's some mixed drink recipe Alice found online," Edward told her. "I wanted to make sure that _I_ was the first one to corrupt you." He grinned wickedly and leaned in to kiss her, his venomous breath flooding her senses with delirium. As his lips brushed hers, Alice politely cleared her throat.

"Edward, would you mind getting a move on?" Alice asked politely. "Jasper and I want to make the 9 o'clock showing of _Confessions of a Shopaholic_."

Bella snapped herself out of her Edward-induced trance and laughed, "Wow, Alice, if ever there was a movie made for you...." She took a delicate sip of the drink and found it to be sweet, with a slight bite for an aftertaste. "Not bad, what's in it?"

Edward laughed, "You do NOT want to know. Let's just say the fruit juice is there mostly for coloring."

Alice brightened, "Glad you like it, Bella! I never got to drink as a human," she said wistfully.

"Well, I'll be sure to give you a full report on the experience," Bella promised, taking another drink from the mug.

"You'd better hurry up and finish that," Edward said, putting the car into gear and taking off in the direction of the Quileute reservation.

Bella tried to comply and drink faster, but she had to stop and take frequent breaths. "Sorry, it seems I'm no good at chugging. I must have a bad gag reflex."

Suddenly, Edward looked like he might choke, too. Alice snickered.

When they pulled up at the entrance to the reservation, Jacob was waiting there, leaning up against his Volkswagen Rabbit, his new, taut physique making dark blue jeans and a plain white t-shirt look incredibly sexy. He and Bella exchanged grins through the windshield, and he moved toward their car.

In a flash Edward had exited the car and zoomed around to Bella's side to open her door before Jacob could reach her. Bella looked surprised for a moment before shaking her head and laughing. "Show-off!" she accused, taking his hand and getting out of the car.

As soon as she tried to stand the liquor hit her knees and she wobbled, almost falling before Edward grabbed her. "Easy, Bella! Take your time with...you know, moving."

Behind them, Jacob laughed. "Bella, have you been _pre-gaming_?"

"What on earth does that mean?" Bella asked no one in particular.

"Really? One drink and you're already drunk?" Edward wondered with a crooked smile. "Oh I wish I could stay with you and see your adorable depravity." He kissed her cheek, earning a blush from her.

"I'll take it from here, Cullen," Jacob laughed, extending a hand to support the tremble-legged Bella. "I'll make sure nothing happens to her. She's going to have a great time."

"You'd better, dog," Edward said, dropping his previously jovial tone. "If something happens to you I swear I will f***ing bite you and suck you dry."

Jacob bit back a grin, "That sounds kinda, er, sexual, there Cullen."

Alice and Bella started giggling and Edward blinked rapidly in embarrassment, "It wasn't meant to be _sexual,_ you pervert. It was meant to be..."

"Yeah, yeah, I know - 'scary' - right?" Jacob was now doubled over in laughter. Edward growled and looked supremely uncomfortable.

Regaining his breath, Jacob said, "Well, anyway, you have my number and Bells has her phone so looks like we're set!"

Bella giggled and held up her arms. "Yaaay!" she exclaimed. She took a tremulous step towards Jacob's outstretched arms.

Edward reluctantly released her into Jacob's arms, and suddenly Alice was at his side, touching his arm comfortingly, "Don't worry, Edward, I see a vision of her coming home - happy and safe. She'll be fine." She turned to Bella, "Have fun, dear! Don't trip over anything!"

As if on cue, Bella tripped over her own shoes and fell into Jacob, laughing hysterically. Edward growled, "And don't forget I can read your mind, fur-ball. No funny business."

Jacob laughed, "No sweat, man." He pulled Bella closer and waved over-dramatically to Edward and Alice. "Bye-bye now!" He concentrated for a moment, looking Edward straight in the eye.

"That isn't even physically possible, you f***ing mutt!" Edward growled in response to whatever Jacob had been thinking. Jacob just laughed.

Alice held him back and started steering him back towards the car. "Come on, Eddie, I'll drive."

Bella blew Edward a kiss as they drove away. Jacob rolled her eyes and took her arm and said with a raised eyebrow, "Now let's get this party started, shall we?"

* * * * *

Jacob drove them to his house, where loud bass lines were already drifting out of the open windows along with the hum of conversation and laughter. Jacob parked the car and escorted Bella on his arm to the door, where they were greeted by Sam and Emily.

"Bella!" Emily cried, opening her arms for a hug. In her tipsy good humor, Bella didn't even notice the hideous scar on Emily's cheek that she had painstakingly tried to cover with make-up. Bella returned the hug and Emily continued, "It's so nice to have another girl at one of these gatherings! Leah's here, too, but she's always so moody."

Sam winced at her words, but held out a hand to welcome Bella to the party. "Can we get you something to drink?"

Inside of Jacob and Billy's house were all of the young Quileutes - Quil, Embry, Paul, Leah, Seth - and several more that Bella didn't recognize. Billy and some other adults were lounging in the kitchen, laughing at some story that Billy had told and passing around beers.

"What would you like to drink?" Jacob asked, leading her to the kitchen. Bella exchanged "hi's" and hugs with Billy before following Jacob to the pantry, where a make-shift bar had been erected on an ironing board. Paul sat behind the "bar".

"Hi Bella! What'll you have?" Paul asked. Bella just looked overwhelmed at the array of bottles before her, so Jacob instructed Paul to pour her some vodka with cranberry juice.

"Thanks, Paul," Bella said with a smile as he handed her drink back to her. She sipped it - it was strong, but not disgusting.

Paul poured Jacob a drink, too, and they walked arm-in-arm back to Sam and Emily.

"Bella, what's the occasion?" Sam asked with curiosity. "I'm surprised to see you without Edward. Ever since he came back..."

She cut him off, "Edward just wanted me to have a good time with my friends."

"Plus," Jacob said with a devious smile, "Bella's never been drunk before."

Sam hooted with laughter and patted Bella on the back so hard she spit out a mouthful of cranberry juice. "Oops, sorry, Bella, it's just you really shouldn't have told me that. Now we have to make sure she has a _really _good time."

She felt so dizzy. Her limbs felt too loose and she kept spontaneously singing along with the song playing - regardless of whether or not she knew the words. As soon as she finished one drink, Jacob poured her another. He asked her to dance, and soon she was gyrating and flailing around the dance floor with Jacob and Emily and Sam. Quil and Embry suggested a Soul Train, and before she knew what was happening Bella was pushed down a column of hooting and clapping Quileute, urging her to dance. She picked the first dance move she knew from her brain - the Sprinkler - and Sprinkled down the aisle with it. Jacob and Seth did the Worm, to which Bella found herself wolf whistling. _Wolf whistling!_

Suddenly, the room got quiet as the ominous intro of Madonna's old hit, _Like a Prayer_, came on over the speakers. The boys started cat-calling and whistling and Bella turned to Jacob in confusion. "What's going on?"

Jacob suddenly blushed beet red. "It's kind of a party tradition to, uh, take off your shirt when this song comes on."

Bella's eyes widened and she looked around as all the boys began taking off their shirts and whipping them around their heads like lassos. Emily smiled at Bella and jokingly rolled her eyes, but she, too, slid off her top, revealing her white cotton bra beneath. She said knowingly in Bella's ear, "Yeah, I know, it's really lame. The boys think they're the only ones getting a show - but ever since they all became werewolves the show has gotten MUCH more interesting for the girls, too." She winked.

Bella laughed and turned back to Jacob, but stopped dead in her tracks when she saw that he was now shirtless, too. His tanned, chiseled chest shimmered slightly with sweat in the dim lighting. He laughed and tugged on the sleeves of her sweater, "Come on, Bells, lighten up. It's just for fun." His eyes were glazed over and Bella could see he was drunk now, too.

Around them everyone was laughing and bouncing around to the poppy song, but Bella stood still and serious. "Do you want to take off my top, Jacob?" she asked, looking him right in the eyes.

He stopped dancing, too, his jaw suddenly gone slack, his eyes glittering. "Bella, I..." He took a step closer to her, their chests only an inch apart.

"Do you?" she repeated. She led his hands to her waist, slipped his fingers under the hem of her sweater. His fingers were so much warmer on her skin than Edward's...

Jacob groaned and closed his eyes slightly, willing his feelings of arousal to go away. "Yes," he whispered, not daring to look at her. "You know that. But Edward would kill me..."

"Don't be such a pussy, Jake," she slurred, leaning into him. She led his fingers higher under her sweater, over the smooth sides of her stomach.

"Bella," he breathed, shutting his eyes tightly. "_You're_ killing me."

"Jake," Bella began thoughtfully, tracing tiny circles on his hands and forearms with her fingers. "When you went through your werewolf-growthspurt-thingie, did _all_ of you get bigger or just _parts_?"

Jacob's eyes shot open as if she had slapped him. "Wha-..." he started to say, but Bella cut him off by placing her finger over his lips.

"Shh..." she said, her eyelids now heavy and seductive. "You can take me to your room if you want."

Needing no further encouragement than that, Jacob grabbed Bella's hand and led her down the hallway to his bedroom, slamming and locking the door behind them. He reached out to gather Bella in his arms, put his face in her beautiful hair. His lips found their way to her earlobe and she sighed prettily.

He stopped himself, and turned his face away from her. He paused to catch his breath and his sanity for a moment before saying, "Bella, I think that maybe..."

She pulled back suddenly, "Shit, I think I have to piss. BRB, OK?"

Bewildered, Jacob stepped aside so she could go to the bathroom. While inside, she began singing _Like a Prayer _slightly off-key. When she emerged a minute later she was humming and sashaying her hips to the music in her head.

"Hey Jacob," she said, not ceasing her dancing, "do you think edible panties taste any good?"

Surprised, but aroused again nonetheless, he was at her side again in an instant. "I don't know, honey, why do you ask?"

"Where do you think I could get some?" she mused, twirling her hair in her fingers.

He took her hair from her fingers before she could tangle it any further. "I have no idea," he said, concentrating on her mouth. "We could look it up."

She turned to him and frowned, "Jacob, do werewolves hate cats?"

Jacob sighed. Obviously the romantic tension of the previous moment was gone. He'd better put a stop to this before it got out of hand. He flipped open his cellphone and dialed Edward's number. He picked up before the first ring had even completed, "Jacob? What's going on? Is Bella alright?"

"Yeah yeah she's fine, man. She's just getting a little silly. Probably time to pick her up," Jacob said, though he was reluctant to let her go.

"Edward!" Bella squealed, running over to the Jacob and standing ear-to-ear with him so she could hear the conversation, too. "Hi sweetie!" she gushed. "It's a lovely party!"

"I'll be there in a minute." Edward hung up the phone.

Jacob and Bella were waiting by the entrance of the reservation when Edward pulled up a short while later. Bella skipped/stumbled over to him, humming beneath her breath. He caught her into a hug, but wrinkled his nose at her smell. "Wow, as if wet dog smell could get any worse -- wet dog mixed with vodka and sweat -- now there's a combination."

"A few tears thrown in there, too," Jacob grinned. Edward shot him a sympathetic look -- obviously reading his thoughts of jealousy -- but Jacob tried to brush it off with the explanation: "She was a total heartbreaker on the dance-floor. Which reminds me..." He winked mischievously at Edward and thought directly at him, _Play that Madonna song, _Like a Prayer_, for her sometime._

Edward cocked his head in question, but Jacob just laughed and shook his head. "Goodnight Bella, goodnight Cullen."

Bella waved to Jacob as Edward scooped her up and gently set her in the passenger seat. As they were buckling up he looked over at her cheeks, so beautifully flushed from dancing, and asked, "So, my dear, what do you think of drinking?"

"I think it's really fun," she said thoughtfully. "It's really annoying how much it makes you have to pee, though," she confessed.

Edward threw back his head and laughed. "Hang on a second, let me find something." He picked up his iPod and flipped through the tracks until he found _Like a Prayer_. As the tune's haunting intro began, Bella squealed.

"This is my _jam_, Edward!" she started gyrating around in her seat and singing along. Suddenly her mouth opened in remembrance. "I almost forgot! I'm supposed to do _this_!" Before he even suspected anything, she had pulled her sweater off and was now holding it above her head, victorious. Edward was suddenly frozen as he took in the sight of her lacy pink bra and sultry, half-naked body. He sucked in a breath and held it, not daring to be tempted by her delicious scent. He had to look away.

"Bella...." he said shakily, "Who told you that you were supposed to do that?" He took her sweater firmly from her hands and draped it back over her chest.

She looked at him with wide-eyed innocence. "Jacob did, darling."

Edward's hands gripped the steering wheel as he hissed through clenched teeth. "He did, did he?"

She nodded. "Yep... Oh! And he's going to help me find edible panties."

Edward was out of the car in an instant, snarling and ready for a fight. But Jacob had already pulled away, leaving Edward standing there, panting in fury and frustration, steering wheel in hand.

THE END.


End file.
